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Italian Humor - Part 2

2010-09-19 18:01:28 by YoYoBro93

And this is part 2: hope you have fun reading it!

Joke #1

How to Impress an Italian Lady:
Wine her, dine her, hug her, support her, compliment her, suprise her, smile at her, hold her, romance her, laugh with her, shop with her, cuddle her, go to the end of the earth for her...

How to Impress an Italian Man:
Show up naked, Bring Beer.

Joke #2

Berlusconi: is walking in downtown Rome with his wife Veronica when they stop in front of store.
- Belusconi exclaims: " Veronica, my darling, look here. Pants 20 Euro, Shirts 17 Euros, Leather coats 55 Euros. Take a look! Can you believe that they are talking about the inflation and crisis due to the Euro! What inflation? What crisis?
- Veronica: "My dear, this is not a clothing store, this is a dry cleaner!"

Joke #3

Classic European Heaven & Hell:

Heaven: Where cooks are French, mechanics are German, police are English, lovers are Italian and everything is organized by the Swiss.

Hell: Where cooks are English, mechanics are French, police are Germans, lovers are Swiss and everything is organized by the Italians.

Joke #4

A cruise ship captain has to convince the passengers of his sinking ship to jump overboard. He has to use a different approach with each European. He tells the English it would be unsporting of them not to jump. He tells the French it would be an elegant thing to do. He tells the Germans that it is an order. And he tells the Italians that jumping overboard is strictly forbidden.

Joke #5

If you meet three car drivers: in England they set up a club, in France a "menage a' trios", in Italy create a traffic jam.

Joke #6

When a German doesn't know one thing... HE LEARNS IT.
When an American doesn't know one thing... HE PAYS TO LEARN IT.
When a British doesn't know one thing... HE BETS ON IT.
When a French doesn't know one thing... HE PRETENDS HE KNOWS IT.
When a Spanish doesn't know one thing... HE ASKS FOR AN EXPLANATION.
When a Greek doesn't know one thing... HE CHALLENGES YOU ON WHO IS RIGHT.
When an Irish doesn't know one thing... HE DRINKS ON IT.
When a Swiss doesn't know one thing... HE STUDIES IT.

Aaaand... when an Italian doesn't know one thing? Well... HE TEACHES IT!

Joke #7:

In Germany a new patent of a special machine made sensation, it catches thieves in only five minutes. Installed in the USA, it allowed 1000 thieves to be caught in five minutes while in Japan 6000 thieves were nabbed in five minutes. Installed in Italy it was stolen in five minutes.

Joke #8:

A Italian man walking along a New Jersey beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "God, grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the God said, "Because you have had the faith to ask, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Italy, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

God said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the ocean! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The Italian man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "God, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. Here is my wish: I would like to know how to make an Italian woman happy.

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Joke #9

Luigi and Paulo were fishing in the Mediterranean sea one sunny day when a World War II mine came floating along. On seeing this round, spikey object coming nearer and nearer, Luigi shouts at his friend " Hey Paulo, it's-a mine, it's-a mine!!!" Paulo replies " O.K. Luigi, you can-a have it!!! "

Joke #10

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian customer agent stops them and tells them: "Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina Quattro." "What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen.

"Quattro means four," replies the Italian official. "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman says, not believing what he is hearing. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."

"You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs agent. "Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and you are therefore breakin'a the law". The Englishman replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over We want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come". "He's a busy with two guys in a Uno".

Joke #11

A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, " finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied,"No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the lovemaking resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The love making ends, and again, the young man smiles, And again he asks, "You finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No! I Norwegian."

Joke #12

Francis and Isabella were having their usual battle of the sexes. "Italian men are all stupid," screamed Isabella

"Oh, yeah?" yelled her husband. "I'll have you know it was an Italian man who invented the toilet seat!"

"And I'll have you know," said his wife, "it was an Italian woman who thought of putting a hole in it!"

That's 'nuff. Hope you enjoyed!